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intro iii - awkwafina

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[skit]

[radio host]
h-llo ladies and gents
welcome back to another episode of “sunsets and lovers”
i’m your host sabrina clearwater
i started this show five years ago after meeting my now live-in lover, juan g.j
he was a mexican rug maker
and when i met him i had been climbing a mountain
and on that climb i had lost part of my finger
it was very painful
but juan continued to say ‘climb forward, young funyun
don’t let the pain deter you from reaching the destiny that is my loins.’
and so i went forward, and we made love 86 hours
atop that- atop that snowy mountainside in the himalayas
now, on my show i take a number of calls from people
those who are either experiencing love or reeling from heartbreak
and uh… i think we should go forward and take our first call
kay everyone, let’s welcome ronnie from sioux city, south dakota
everyone, ronnie

[ronnie]
yo doctor, doctor, wait, hol’ up
k!ll that music real quick
k!ll that music, hol’ up
doctor, my d-ck hurts so bad, i think i sat on it wrong last night
i was doing pilates and i think i sat on my d-ck wrong and sh-t
that sh-t hurt so bad
this morning i woke up, i was in my bed
with my- with my shoes on- my shoes on- was still on
and i was like ‘my d-ck hurt though’
i don’t know why my d-ck hurt so bad
i never had this hurt so much
i was at the carnival two days ago
i was at the carnival two days ago
i was on a ride, i was goin’ up and down
but my d-ck didn’t hurt that day
that shirt hurt right now though
like i’m trying to go out
i’m trying to go to the club
but my d-ck hurt so bad
i could only hop on one foot
wit’ my- wit’ my other foot behind my head
and i could hop a little
i can’t walk like no normal person
i’m on the street and everyone like
‘look at that, why his d-ck hurt so bad?’
i can’t even sit here watch bones
i can’t even watch bones right now
’cause my d-ck hurt so bad

[radio host]
okay…okay. let’s cut this- let’s cut- let’s- let’s- let’s cut this
let’s cut- okay…
i don’t know what that was
i think ronnie might have had the wrong number there
ah… but you know what?
we could look at that call as maybe his d-ck…uh…
as a metaphor for his heart
and how maybe his heart heart hurt so bad
as opposed to his genital extremities
uh… let’s take- let’s take one more call
this is carla.. carla from… from portland, oregon
carla from portland, oregon

[ronnie]
nah, nah
this is ronnie again ‘cuz listen
i don’t know why y’all hangin’ up
’cause in second grade i had two gerbils
one was named fufu and the other one was named joe
and they both died at the same time
and i felt so much pain at that time
and now only that pain can be paralleled
with the way that my d-ck hurt right now
basically like- like if my my d-ck was a volcano
and pain was the lava inside that volcano
basically my d-ck is… basically uh…
pretty much swimmin’ in that lava
like this is pompeii
like in my pants is pompeii
and like i’ma tell you the truth
because when i go to american eagle
i feel like sometimes that make my d-ck hurt more
in like a- in like a mental way
but i’m saying right now that my d-ck hurt so bad
and i’m tryna just go down the street
i’m tryna go to duncan donuts
get me some of them-
some of them hash brown
some of them circular hash brown
with some coconut iced coffee
so i can start my day
i don’t know if i told you
but i’m writing this book on- on-
it’s like a romance book
it’s kinda like don quijote
but more of like of- of-
of like- like a vampire horror fiction
i’m tryna write that book
i’m tryna go to starbucks
drink my duncan donuts in starbucks
but my d-ck hurt so bad
i can’t even- i can’t even walk to the stove right now
like i’m talkin’ like i can’t even go to red lobster
and have me no clams- c-ssino
because my d-ck is like the clams casino
of like my nipples
does that make any sense?
’cause i can’t even watch bones
i’m just tryna watch some bones
and my d-ck hurt so bad
i can’t even watch no bones

[radio host]
okay… let’s cut this… l-l-l-let’s cut this

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